We have just returned from a trip to Cape York and have seen the best and the worst of driver/vehicle combinations!
1) Most aggressive.
A)First Prize goes to....Landcruiser 200 series. They overtake anyone. Don't slow down when passing in the opposite direction. Believe their battleships will go anywhere and do anything at the same time. Eg 120kph on a road suited to 80 kph whilst towing a massive camper trailer or a Kedron (nothing less) Caravan.
B) Second prize......Prado. They vastly overestimate their vehicles towing limit, tow very fast. Think their traction control will get them out of trouble, no matter where or what they do. If the vehicle has 4 large spot-lights on the bull bar or on the roof, then be extra careful around them, because they believe the spots have magically transformed their Prado into a 200 series!
2) Most helpful.
A) First prize goes to....older 75 series or ute type Landcruisers. They still believe their vehicle is better than any newer more modern vehicle and will help just to prove the point.
B) Second prize......Nissan Patrols. They believe that their Patrols can carry everything, including the kitchen sink, on the roof. They have every tool ever made and will willingly lend it to you, provided they can find it in the home welded aluminium drawers which are difficult to open.
3) Most ambitious.
A) First Prize goes to.....Landcruiser Workmate V8 utes and troop carrier derivations. They drive at least twice the speed of everyone else over the worst corrugations. They have huge Engel fridges strapped or welded to the tray. The tyres are always massive. That is no doubt the reason they drive too fast. They rely on their under-reading speedometers. They spit up stones and crack other driver's windscreens and disappear in a cloud of dust.
B) Second prize. Any Landcruiser sedan no matter how old, but more particularly, old 100 series. They cannot find a river too deep, or track too bad to even consider that they might be wrecking their vehicle. It's old enough to break, but they actually believe it won't.
3) Most inconsiderate.
A) First prize goes to.....any highly modified Patrol, no matter how old. They gather in packs. Generally Cashed Up Bogans, lacking a few teeth. They invade busy campsites by arriving after dark, like Mad Max, and set up camp as close as they can to other campers. They then turn on head-banging music full blast. Wake up the neighbouring family's children. Then have a drunken get together after they've set up their rooftop tents, talk endlessly about suspension, and how they've just completed the Old Telegraph Track. They shorten it to "bloooody OTT". When a member of the public gets miffed and asks them to shut up at midnight, they drunkenly say, "sorry mmaate, we didn't know how late it is" but loudly and drunkenly call the complainant a "dickhead". They then clamber loudly into their roof top tents, fart, fall asleep, and snore so loudly that they wake the kids and old people, and the dead!
B) Second prize.....all older vehicles. Have to be at least 10 years old. Preferably more than 15. They maintain ad nauseum, loudly how they don't make vehicles like this any more. They maintain, again loudly and to anyone that will listen that any electronics in a vehicle is rubbish. They pitch the hugest tents with massive tarp covers within 3 feet from a backpackers KMart tent, then light huge fires that blow smoke into other campers tents, and keep everyone in the neighbourhood awake with pot banging and loud music. They do fall asleep at about 10 pm after urinating in the fire to put it out, which causes the now smelly smoke to wake up everyone again! They also then fall asleep and snore loudly. Then wonder why everyone in the camp site is grumpy and moving out next morning
Most dangerous.
A) First prize goes to....Tour bus drivers. They drive the huge 4 wheel drive busses over all kinds of roads. They take up the middle of the dusty road, do not move over and drive at least 30kph faster than any normal 4x4. They create clouds of dust that take a long time to settle, which causes all other vehicles, except 200 series Landcruisers, who rely on their in-built sat- nav, (which is better than anyone else's), to struggle to navigate their way through the dust.
B) Second prize....any vehicle that has completed the Old Telegraph Track...they walk with a swagger, wear the T shirt which proclaims on the front and the back in huge Black letters; "I did the OTT!" and refuse to clean their vehicle for weeks so that the general public can see that they have been to Cape York except for the area around the sticker which reads...."Maaaate, we did the OTT. "
The most confused.
First prize goes to....
A) Jeep Laredo owners. It looks like a 4 x 4 sort of. It has a Fiat, or is it a Mercedes Motor. It's got big wheels, but it's ground clearance is nothing to write home about, but it can tow a big boat. It's about as big as a 200 series Landcruiser, it's ride is sloppy, and takes the corrugations in its stride, but any road with a boulder, is a bit difficult.
B) Second prize goes to all other Jeeps....They look the part, but can't pull the skin off a rice pudding. The motors are either too small or too big, or they are just too uncomfortable. The Jeep Renegade cannot stay in line over the corrugations but can get submerged without serious ramifications.
The most polite.
A) First prize goes to... Ford Ranger owners. They know their vehicle has bags of torque, but is a bit close to the ground. They enjoy the power and rather like Sports car owners, don't need to compete, because they know it's really powerful. They slow down when passing by to avoid kicking up stones, and generally greet other road users with a "howwdee, it's all good mate ay" in a broad Queensland accent.
B) Second prize to all Suzuki owners. They know their vehicle is the least powerful, but also very capable, because it can be carried by four good men over any obstacle. So they have to be polite in case they need the four good blokes!
The most depressed.
A) First prize goes to.....the old Patrol driver (2000 model) who drowned his vehicle after spending a fortune on modifying everything including suspension, motor, snorkel, tyres, 4 inch lift, winch, Bull bar, and forgot that the old Patrols have a one way valve in the original air box that often gets stuck in the open position, and when they crossed Nolan Brook and turned the car into a boat, they realised, too late, that water getting sucked into the motor destroys all vital parts including con-rods and pistons.
B) Second prize....The Old Patrol owner's son, who also had the same model Patrol as his Dad, but his one way valve functioned, and although the car became a ship, he made it to the other side, and had to watch his Dad destroy his car!
C) There are 42 consolation prizes... The 42 other vehicles, destroyed by Nolan Brook this season alone.
The cleverest.
There is only one winner....the owners of vehicles who decided that discretion is the better part of valour, and did not attempt any track that had the possibility of ruining their ride home.
The most jealous!
The owners of vehicles who didn't have the nerve and didn't attempt any track that had the possibility of destroying their vehicle.
It's a man thing! Pissing contests are alive and well!
1) Most aggressive.
A)First Prize goes to....Landcruiser 200 series. They overtake anyone. Don't slow down when passing in the opposite direction. Believe their battleships will go anywhere and do anything at the same time. Eg 120kph on a road suited to 80 kph whilst towing a massive camper trailer or a Kedron (nothing less) Caravan.
B) Second prize......Prado. They vastly overestimate their vehicles towing limit, tow very fast. Think their traction control will get them out of trouble, no matter where or what they do. If the vehicle has 4 large spot-lights on the bull bar or on the roof, then be extra careful around them, because they believe the spots have magically transformed their Prado into a 200 series!
2) Most helpful.
A) First prize goes to....older 75 series or ute type Landcruisers. They still believe their vehicle is better than any newer more modern vehicle and will help just to prove the point.
B) Second prize......Nissan Patrols. They believe that their Patrols can carry everything, including the kitchen sink, on the roof. They have every tool ever made and will willingly lend it to you, provided they can find it in the home welded aluminium drawers which are difficult to open.
3) Most ambitious.
A) First Prize goes to.....Landcruiser Workmate V8 utes and troop carrier derivations. They drive at least twice the speed of everyone else over the worst corrugations. They have huge Engel fridges strapped or welded to the tray. The tyres are always massive. That is no doubt the reason they drive too fast. They rely on their under-reading speedometers. They spit up stones and crack other driver's windscreens and disappear in a cloud of dust.
B) Second prize. Any Landcruiser sedan no matter how old, but more particularly, old 100 series. They cannot find a river too deep, or track too bad to even consider that they might be wrecking their vehicle. It's old enough to break, but they actually believe it won't.
3) Most inconsiderate.
A) First prize goes to.....any highly modified Patrol, no matter how old. They gather in packs. Generally Cashed Up Bogans, lacking a few teeth. They invade busy campsites by arriving after dark, like Mad Max, and set up camp as close as they can to other campers. They then turn on head-banging music full blast. Wake up the neighbouring family's children. Then have a drunken get together after they've set up their rooftop tents, talk endlessly about suspension, and how they've just completed the Old Telegraph Track. They shorten it to "bloooody OTT". When a member of the public gets miffed and asks them to shut up at midnight, they drunkenly say, "sorry mmaate, we didn't know how late it is" but loudly and drunkenly call the complainant a "dickhead". They then clamber loudly into their roof top tents, fart, fall asleep, and snore so loudly that they wake the kids and old people, and the dead!
B) Second prize.....all older vehicles. Have to be at least 10 years old. Preferably more than 15. They maintain ad nauseum, loudly how they don't make vehicles like this any more. They maintain, again loudly and to anyone that will listen that any electronics in a vehicle is rubbish. They pitch the hugest tents with massive tarp covers within 3 feet from a backpackers KMart tent, then light huge fires that blow smoke into other campers tents, and keep everyone in the neighbourhood awake with pot banging and loud music. They do fall asleep at about 10 pm after urinating in the fire to put it out, which causes the now smelly smoke to wake up everyone again! They also then fall asleep and snore loudly. Then wonder why everyone in the camp site is grumpy and moving out next morning
Most dangerous.
A) First prize goes to....Tour bus drivers. They drive the huge 4 wheel drive busses over all kinds of roads. They take up the middle of the dusty road, do not move over and drive at least 30kph faster than any normal 4x4. They create clouds of dust that take a long time to settle, which causes all other vehicles, except 200 series Landcruisers, who rely on their in-built sat- nav, (which is better than anyone else's), to struggle to navigate their way through the dust.
B) Second prize....any vehicle that has completed the Old Telegraph Track...they walk with a swagger, wear the T shirt which proclaims on the front and the back in huge Black letters; "I did the OTT!" and refuse to clean their vehicle for weeks so that the general public can see that they have been to Cape York except for the area around the sticker which reads...."Maaaate, we did the OTT. "
The most confused.
First prize goes to....
A) Jeep Laredo owners. It looks like a 4 x 4 sort of. It has a Fiat, or is it a Mercedes Motor. It's got big wheels, but it's ground clearance is nothing to write home about, but it can tow a big boat. It's about as big as a 200 series Landcruiser, it's ride is sloppy, and takes the corrugations in its stride, but any road with a boulder, is a bit difficult.
B) Second prize goes to all other Jeeps....They look the part, but can't pull the skin off a rice pudding. The motors are either too small or too big, or they are just too uncomfortable. The Jeep Renegade cannot stay in line over the corrugations but can get submerged without serious ramifications.
The most polite.
A) First prize goes to... Ford Ranger owners. They know their vehicle has bags of torque, but is a bit close to the ground. They enjoy the power and rather like Sports car owners, don't need to compete, because they know it's really powerful. They slow down when passing by to avoid kicking up stones, and generally greet other road users with a "howwdee, it's all good mate ay" in a broad Queensland accent.
B) Second prize to all Suzuki owners. They know their vehicle is the least powerful, but also very capable, because it can be carried by four good men over any obstacle. So they have to be polite in case they need the four good blokes!
The most depressed.
A) First prize goes to.....the old Patrol driver (2000 model) who drowned his vehicle after spending a fortune on modifying everything including suspension, motor, snorkel, tyres, 4 inch lift, winch, Bull bar, and forgot that the old Patrols have a one way valve in the original air box that often gets stuck in the open position, and when they crossed Nolan Brook and turned the car into a boat, they realised, too late, that water getting sucked into the motor destroys all vital parts including con-rods and pistons.
B) Second prize....The Old Patrol owner's son, who also had the same model Patrol as his Dad, but his one way valve functioned, and although the car became a ship, he made it to the other side, and had to watch his Dad destroy his car!
C) There are 42 consolation prizes... The 42 other vehicles, destroyed by Nolan Brook this season alone.
The cleverest.
There is only one winner....the owners of vehicles who decided that discretion is the better part of valour, and did not attempt any track that had the possibility of ruining their ride home.
The most jealous!
The owners of vehicles who didn't have the nerve and didn't attempt any track that had the possibility of destroying their vehicle.
It's a man thing! Pissing contests are alive and well!
